Carlsberg Job Centre The appointment was for 11-30 So I thought I would get some walking done I set off at 9 o clock And headed for the town centre Stopping at Borders books for a morning drink And a bit of a read Then for the uphill march to some remote office in an odd place The interview thats coming Is an outside organisation that has won a contract To help ship the incapacitated back to work It is in fact a branch of the Royal British Legion I find it all a bit daft As I have my plan anyway So I don't see what help they can put my way But I was wrong I arrived at the office At the bottom of a drive Tucked away behind some houses I entered and nodded to the woman walking towards me She ushered me into a side room and offered me a cup of tea The tea came a minute later Hot and in a proper mug I had barely two sips before she returned And directed me to another office There was a bit of of form filling and signing Then an informal chat I told her that I was thinking of going back to the taxi part time In around two weeks time But I pointed out that it was going to be an experimental start Due to the day of decorating I tried last week Which pretty much canceled out the next day And left me thinking that I could only start by working two days At opposite ends of the week She seemed quite pleased by this And then checked how long I had been on the benefit “Well if you sign off in the next fortnight we can offer you £100 plus £40 per week for the whole year” Then she flicked through the computer And shuffled through some papers “But If your not sure your ready yet” She looked at me and raised her eyebrows “And you want to wait until the end of January” “I can put you down with this other agency and get you an extra £200 to go... and register you for the Working Tax disability starter and get you another £60 per week” This was not how I remembered my days of conflict with the dole office I sat back Looked at the ceiling and nodded slightly £300 to go and £100 per week? “Yeah...I think maybe I am not ready to go back just yet” “I think I will wait 'til I am ready...at the end of January” She smiled and gave me my next appointment I stood and gave her my best respectful Japanese bow And left the building Carlsberg don't do Job Centres But if they did They would serve biscuits with that tea

25.11.08 11:59 Permalink / comment

Biscuits & Music Barring one day Which could be described as a peephole It has been gray and damp It seems... for the whole of November And as time has slowed down somewhat for myself I find myself noticing the little curios of life Like Since I have been calorie counting I have had to study the contents of biscuits And as a result There has been a recent dalliance with Malted Milk Less than half as calorie expensive than a digestive But Malted Milk has an inherent problem in it's construction It can disguise a hairline crack like no other And as I am a habitual dunker It has been an infuriating distraction I will be sat there...reading...or on the computer Only mildly aware of my dunking hand When I am taken by a gasp of despair As the lower half of my biscuit detaches And is engulfed to the bottom I am immediately to my feet Like red a dare to a rig fire To the kitchen quickly Before the Malted Milk loses all of it's integrity And turns my tea into biscuit porridge Of course I have to replace the biscuit Lest my small but necessary dunking pleasure Be replaced by stress Which means a careful inspection of the next Malted Milk Using a light tap with the middle fingernail I may have to soon buy a magnifying glass For now though I have switched to Nice They fall apart a bit more honestly Then my ears pick up on something Whilst I am tapping away on the computer It's my music It's a very large collection Playing on shuffle Using Windows Media Player It happily shuffles away Giving me great variety for long periods And then As if it has it's own mind and it's own taste It settles on a favoured album And starts randomly selecting from within that album This shouldn't really be a problem But I am finding it annoying WMP is being impudent It's not doing what it was told to do Even more annoying Is that I can't do much about it WMP seems to have an exclusive “Right Click Contract” with my outside hard drive The only alternative is to drop the music folder onto the i-player Which takes a fair while to get going Maybe it's time I went back to work We'll see Tomorrow I have another visit to the jobcentre

20.11.08 11:13 Permalink / comment

Rehababab This particular morning I am a man of complete leisure Doing what I so choose to do But it is drawing to a close I will have to get back in a taxi soon However the seeds of leisure man have taken root And bloomed I can't ignore it Today I saunter down the seafront And breakfast on the promenade On an odd sunny morning And I sit tinkering with my teaspoon Staring out across the channel Wondering about my urges The constant itchy mind That needs to be challenged That won't meditate Requiring gallons of energy that I don't have That craves intense pressure So it can work in optimum clarity Buffering me with insanity Should I loaf to much At seafront cafes Listening to chit chat From the estuary middle class mothers Discussing drying paint and growing grass Ahead of me Rising from the water A submarine surfaces The lightened water running off it's sides A dark dingy With dark characters pulls it's way ashore They beach on the pebbles And crunch their boots up to the promenade Where they continue walking through the cafe tables And straight up to me “Mr Dial!” they say...and all pause around my table “Come with us” At last they have finally come for me To take me away from all this mediocre crap And fill me with danger and wonder and fear I sigh and finish my coffee And continue my walk along the seafront I pass one of the boole pitches And stare at it Today I am full of cynicism And I am certainly a cynic of boole on the seafront We have various English games of this nature Why do we need one of France's ritual hangout games I'm sure Brighton will say That we share the sea border with them We are connected No no no says Mr Dial It's more shoehorn culture Are they playing cricket in Calais? Are they having their identity eroded at an alarming rate? And who should pass me on the seafront Another cultural anomaly A boneheaded white man In an orange and purple budhist costume No doubt a budhist priest It leads me to recall A visit to the budhist temple in Scotland Samy Ling I wandered it's quiet country grounds I meditated in the stillness of the lavish temple And then sat in the library discussing the Motherwell football team with one of the priests It just didn't feel right It just doesn't look right It will never work And never has so far Take martial arts for instance And think of a notable white man who is carrying the banner Who have you got? I think I have a good idea It's Chuck Bollocks or Stephen Seagull Both of which are several dimensions behind Bruce Lee And that's not considering the current crop of easterners Who now seem to have acquired super powers Oh god don't let us start copying that as well From my years of Taxi driving And now re-trained as a pedestrian I can unveil a trend That you never hear mentioned in the press Here is a picture of a condo It's now typical To see these appear in Brighton They have been going up for many years But it's worth noting to see what is going down To make way for it A lovely family house with drive and large rear garden The condo in the picture accommodates around 30 people The three houses that made way for them Housed perhaps 12 people This is the one and only trend for the city of Brighton Flats Nobody gets a garden In a city hemmed in by the precious iron curtain of the Downs Like Hong Kong We can only go up or down

19.11.08 16:11 Permalink / comment

When Will I Return I suppose reading this You could wonder Is this guy really a cab driver? Where are all his cabby stories? I am beginning to wonder myself Getting so used to this life of domestic wandering I had the first tingle of work anticipation Just a few days back It's getting closer Like seeing the dust kicked up by an approaching army I don't want to think about it But it will soon be at my gates Last week I had my last visit to the hospital A quick round of tests Followed by a chat with the surgeons registrar He had ticked me off as doing very well And would need no further visits to the hospital “So...Mr Dial...You can now go back to work” There was a moment of silence “When do you plan on returning to work Mr Dial?” I shrugged “Maybe in a couple of months” He then looked at me with a brisk frankness “Mr Dial...we do have a certain amount of concern for young men who have gone through these operations...As there seems to be a reasonably high degree of depression amongst them during recovery...which often manifests itself during the period when they are least capable” During this sentence a small smile had creased the corner of my mouth He didn't know that he was talking to a former dole office area champion Winner of the gold signing on pen 1997 I assured him that I had it all under control And got up and left for the last time Somehow forgetting half of the things that I wanted to ask him What an ass I need some kind of cue card when dealing with doctors That same afternoon I caught a bus to the other side of town For my first appointment with my former masters The job centre I had not stepped into one since last century And much had changed Though not my attitude towards them But I sat there quietly whilst the interview got underway It was much easier this time Due to the reality of my predicament And they showed no intention of rushing me And in the end offered me What must be the latest of incentives to clear up the pool of incapacity They intend to continue my incapacity benefit For one year As a supplement to part time work My eyebrows were instantly raised £2500 for nothing To somebody who needs no incentives Caught up in a general incentive I liked the sound of that A quick calculation  pinged across my brain I may just be able to get away with working 1 long day per week Wow...for a whole year Shortly after arriving home My taxi buddy...Brynn...arrived As I was telling him about the day He made a move to offer me the use of his car when I need it Well there we go It's all falling into place One day a week In the car that I sold last year The lovely automatic Rover 75 estate One day a week in a luxury motor Instead of 7 days in that multi seat Scudo battlewagon So in the end The answer to the first paragraph I am still a cabbie And I will still be writing about the stuff on the streets Just after I finished writing this It was mid morning And I left the park cafe and walked home On the way I passed the school Where I had dropped off Junior a couple of hours ago I could hear them playing in the playground And stopped to look through the gates To see if I could see him Just as I was about to do this I stopped myself I can't look through the school gates I am not allowed I am a man Men can no longer stand and look through a school gate What a shit state for us to get into It saddens me And it also saddens my iron

5.11.08 11:06 Permalink / comment

Rehab Week This week was my first week of cardio rehab Up to now there has been nothing to report For some time all I have had to deal with is A bit of burning muscle around the scars A distinct lack of fitness And a return of the stone in weight That I lost during my hospital fast (The food was too shit to eat) Phase one was down at the hospital I gathered my stuff together and caught the bus Today was to be an introduction day And I feared the boring worst You should be able...in all cases To opt for Throw you in the deep end day I would tick it every time On the way I decided that I best read the six page leaflet they gave me last time It was packed with detail About the upcoming seven weeks at the gym There could be no mistakes with this amount of info I entered the physio department There scattered amongst the seats Were my physio buddies I was younger than all of them by perhaps 15 years It was an isolating feeling The elastic of my embarrassment was already beginning to stretch I had barely settled when we were ushered into the gym And seated in front of a presentation screen As the preliminaries began My previous distraction returned The physio nurses...all women They all have a strong slight male quality about them Yet some of them are sort of... I don't know...look good at first glance I switched on my primal bemothic sexual attraction plant But there was nothing It was like Earth radar Searching for alien radio signals If... You took all the physio nurses And they all lived in their own country You would consider them a race apart...I am sure The introduction began And for fucks sake... it was page for page The same as the handout In all it's compressed detail Further compounded by a nurse dissecting every detail And enlarging on it And then 15 minutes in As if it came straight out of a Bill Bryson Observation Handbook Came the exploded... very British debate About how to get to the gym The nurse opened it with a detailed drive through Three different versions of...in the end The last one included A description of all the buildings on the lower marina With the position of the bus stop And the distance from bus stop to the gym Everyone was chipping in About how they were going to get there Bus routes Disagreements about bus routes A five mintue debate solely on Whether the bus from Saltdean was a 27 or a 47 And did it actually come down onto the marina In the end it was of no use to the guy Because it didn't disembark from Newhaven Then the second wave came Where to park My neck was having trouble holding my head up Which car park...Asda or Multistory But don't park in McDonalds How long...how much At some point it must have broken free and continued back on track And soon the slide show finished We were then taken around the hospital gym To some notices on the wall that were describing exercises They were simple routines And the nurse wanted us all to mimic her movements in a mime of the action I stood at the back...not wanting to join in...it was silly But in the end...me and all the old men...were standing there doing silly miming actions It ended The elastic of my embarrassment hauled me out of the fire exit The next day I was back on my way to see the nurses of Valhalla This time I was going to a different gym The one on the Marina The closer I got...my confident self ebbed away I entered and signed my name on the rehab register My first self conscious moment I reached the cafe lounge area upstairs And seated myself amongst the many old folk I was alone...again the youngest by miles A nurse came up and took my blood pressure and pulse I held out my left hand and she looked at the long scar down my arm and laughed Oh there isn't one there anymore...she said That remark came as a surprise I was also surprised that she was a proper feminine physio And she lived down the same road as me As we chatted I could hear the bods around me They were discussing in detail...the journey to the gym...and where they had all parked Sitting back in the couch with my arm clamped in the pump I began to shrink again More of the fighting fit middle class gym users were coming in What was I doing amongst all these old folks eh? Why was I struggling so...with this situation? I nipped off and got changed And was the first one in the gym I was given a heart monitor to strap on And a blue 'first timer' sash to wear The rest of them filed in and got strapped up And the session began I had a heart rate target to meet But the routine was hardly causing it to move So I had to speed up While they were all doddering around I was dashing about And again started to feel self conscious I thought I could hear them making jokey remarks about me I couldn't win Hot chocolate with Kung Fu Fighting Followed by Tavares then worst of all Doing walking star movements to Stars on 45 There was no escaping I was in a disco driven OAP exercise class It ended Then we had to have a 45 minute talk by a dietitian But at last I got something out of it The talk was again mostly patronising She tried to get us to join in with games And waved around plastic copies of food But when I returned home I switched on the net And had a good look at calorie intake And then calorie burning It was very surprising and interesting It's not something most men do Mostly the burden of the fat housewife But I was taken by it And started to apply the counting straight away The information these days is comprehensive Making the task simple And I can say for certain At the end of the first day of counting I properly enjoyed my evening meal

18.10.08 22:40 Permalink / comment

Bane of the Month  Ahhhhhhh It is good to be a Tigers fan these days In fact my reaction to those to back to back wins in the capital First Arsenal and then Tottenham Was one of pissing myself laughing It was hard to grasp the reality of it So I just giggled Such has been the football poverty Of that big famished city And just after the Spurs win It was most reassuring to see That we were still second favourites for the drop @ 8/11 on But then it all went wrong We went and won the Manager of the Month award The poison chalice The Bane of the Month But was it? So far all I have heard on this subject is anecdotal chat Usually by the pundits So I checked it out First I came upon a Guardian article on the subject It was a comprehensive write up And a few paragraphs in it poo-pooed the idea of the MOM hoodoo And then backed it up with stats My spirits lifted for a moment Until I noticed that his stats were all about the run of games after the award No no no...that's not what I am interested in This guy is not thinking straight Any football fan would be solely focused on the next game only Because if you can break that one The award will be forgotten I decided to work it out for myself THE RESULTS OF MY SURVEY Not good The stats from the last two years bear it out Out of the last twenty awards Half of the teams Who were previously on a good run of form Were punched into a hole of defeat the very next game after the award Of the remaining half Six (30%) went on to win 30% is not too bad you might think But of those six Only one of them was outside of the big four (Man City and Sven) Even Man Utd...who don't lose very often Lost after two out of their four awards So the 50% still applies in their case So the net hope for Hull City to beat West Ham this weekend is 5% But Hull City have been bending and twisting all the predictions so far Maybe we can keep it up and join Man City If I was manager I would present that Barclays blue globe to Zola at the start of the match Here's a present...to remind you of your visit We don't need it anyway We're undermutts

16.10.08 21:38 Permalink / comment

Idle Notions Three tips for the week From an idle man Actually I am far from an idle man It's hard for a man to be idle when he can't relax The first thing was a computer matter The other day A virus appeared One of those that preys on the needy Because on Sunday I really needyed free streaming access to the Hull City game I went through piles of links It worked last week But not this Live streaming access is a vague affair I haven't found a one stop shop Nor even reasonable quality when I have But during this particular clickathon I was snared A windows logo alert appeared I sighed a big billowing sigh And made a note of the trojan and googled it Only three listings appeared...a surprise Maybe it was red hot new However I was directed to Malwarebytes Which is free and which I had So I set it on a lengthy scan Later on in the evening the logo box appeared again My fist hit the table My patience ripped under the weight Those heinous virus makers Are now ranked lower than parking attendants Because they invade my home Giving me problems When I have done nothing wrong There was a moment the other day When I looked on malwarebytes with slight fondness Warmly reminding myself of problems solved Almost considered buying the pro version But I slapped myself out of that one Remember your fucking principals Dial! These assholes created this industry out of fresh theoretical air Pretty much the same as charging you to park outside your own home They then backed it up with a mass hysterical scaremongering campaign It's like paying racketeers not to kick your head in It really is Well fuck that I'll tell you what I'm doing I'm getting the mobile computer man To come around and list the vital driver components for a Windows reload And I will become conversant in wipe and reload It's better this way Because it's not only the virus thats slowing it down It's more often old program debris There The second thing Is my fridge I bought it second hand And it's not great It freezes up too quickly We will fight the ice back with a butter knife For maybe six weeks Then give in And within days a door bulging glacier forms Until today Defrosting was a reluctant thing Because you would have to time it with a near empty fridge Because it took all day to defrost And this morning I started thus...reluctantly Five minutes in and I had a bout of word association On radio 5 I heard the words Alex Ferguson Then I thought of something I stood in front of the fridge With a hairdryer...for ten minutes And that's all it took It must have changed the general temerature enough For all of the ice to fall off within a couple of hours And the third success Resolved my own indecision I was looking through the Friday Ad list For a mobile computer man There were 18 adverts Trying to pick one was making my skin tighten So I turned to a web page And a Random Number Generator I felt so relieved to hand over my decision Advert No7...looked ok... didn't answer the phone Advert No12...looked ok A gamble called Brian He rang me today And then popped by on his way to somewhere He handed me a disc And told me the instructions were on the printout Then he left... waving as he went My random number had given me a freebie And Brian has been noted A few more weeks of idleness Could reform my entire life Before I go I need to share this Two girls singing a song  by the Fleet Foxes

9.10.08 20:57 Permalink / comment

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